Hi so me and my gf of 6 months recently broke up about 3wks ago. We lived close together for the first week of us dating, but then she had to go back hom this summer to do some classes at another college. We stayed super connected and the spark was still there. We FaceTimed and/or texted everyday so we could keep us w/each other. We watched shows and movies together, and we even saw each other physically in between for a little a couple of times. Everything was fantastic and i feel we were on the same page. We were both vulnerable, open and honest with each other. When she came back home to her dorms, I stayed over the night and we did it for the first time. It wasn’t perfect, and I probably wasn’t prepared myself but I was willing to talk the day after since I was comfortable enough with her. After that day she seemed distant and rarely texted me. When I confronted her about it, she finally opened up and said she’s been having connection/emotional issues and she doesn’t know if it’s something that she needs to work on herself for awhile. We met up for coffee a few days later and after we finished talking about some stuff, she brought up just being friends and I stupidly agreed because I figured that’s what she wanted since she had been acting that way. She already had my hoodie and stuff in her bag and gave it to me...which hurt bc she planned that. She still looks at my Snapchat story’s and my instagram daily. I still really like this girl. I know I need to work on being less jumpy and anxious when shit hits the fan. What should I do?
Be calm and confident in yourself and what you think you can contribute to her life. In the time you've taken to improve yourself, hopefully you will have evidence of that change. If the cause of your breakup was that you did not have enough time for her, show that you've altered your work schedule and made time to volunteer or pick up that sailing hobby you've always dreamed about. That will show you're willing to make time for things that matter to you. See where I'm going with this?
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If you harp on him and pester him to talk to you and open up he will see you as another source of stress in his life and will pull away even more. This creates a vicious cycle of you pushing him, him pulling back, you pushing more, and on and on until he either distances himself from you entirely or the relationship continues with an underlying tension. You can’t force someone to open up to you, especially when it comes to difficult emotional topics. You can invite them to open up, but you can’t badger them into it.
One of the most devastating mistakes you can make is trying to force it to work with a guy who is wrong with you. I’ve seen people spend years of their life trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. Everyone in their life tells them to just move on and let him go but they can’t. Why? Because they don’t have clarity or any objectivity because they are still sucked into the emotional whirlpool and have yet to break themselves free.
Here is the thing. You want to focus on you not only because this is healthy which is the main reason and you’re putting yourself first but by putting yourself first he will want you more. There is a deep desire for people to be with someone that puts themselves first. I would not only follow his lead. Make sure you are not too available in the process and really schedule time for you. Then take control back a little bit so you can eventually see where this is headed.
Hey there,i realy need advise. Me and this guy have been dating for almost a year,we were great together(atleast thats what i thought) until he came to me one night and told me that he lost interest in me,he doesn’t love me anymore. I was shocked and hurt,but i got over most of that,only to find that i stil love him. He tried calling me once after the breakup,but i did not answer. Earlier this month i called him,asking him to visit me some time as friends, and he told me its too soon…My question is,if he did not love me anymore than why find it a problem to be friends. i enjoy my time wth him and want us to build a future together,what should i do?
#9 Give them plenty of space and freedom. One reason guys don’t want to commit is because they often feel like it’ll trap them. They want their freedom and space so if they don’t even become official with someone, they’ll keep it. That’s how they think, anyways. Show him that you’re more than happy to give him that space and he’ll be more willing to commit. [Read: 10 obvious hints guys give when they need more space]
I have been with my bf for just over a year lived with him for just over 6 of those, it’s been great he’s really been open and honest about his feelings but for the past month or so I have noticed how much he has thrown himself into work (self employed so can do as little or much as he pleases) and so our time together has dwindled? I challenged him over this as I wanted to spend time with him doing nice things all the time getting “as soon as much jobs are all done” which could be anytime! I truly believe he was now starting his pulling away stage, I am now worried that I have ‘ran’ after him too much and made things much much worse by delaying his pulling away possibly even ensuring he has had enough and is ready to call it a day! Hes working away at the moment and before he went we had another petty argument in which I stupidly told him that we should have some space with no communication whilst hes away (I felt like I couldn’t do right for doing wrong) I’m scared I have ruined it completely now! I self blame quite a lot (past relationship issues) since away he has texted me and told me he is also to blame for these issues and that with time he’s sure we will be alright, Please help what should I do, what actions should I take? If this is pulling away, will he be able to return still or has this gone too far? He’s due home on Thursday, how do I allow him time in his man cave when we live together?
Without literally telling him verbally, give your man a few good reasons why he shhould commit. Ensure that you are the type of woman that he wants before you think about a committment. Evaluate the relationship and see if you are both happy and willing to take it a few steps further. Be what he wants without forcing yourself to; be his happy place, his pillar of support. Contrary to what many people think, being able to wash, cook and clean are not the basic foundations of what makes a man happy and lean towards commitment. If you are seen as a great companion who he has to lean on at the end of his day, forcing him to commit will never be an option.
I've dated two other men since him, plus ive had shorter flings, I've have had a lot of time to detach and relax and feel FAR less needy around him... I think things could be better this time and that I wouldn't be as emotionally reactive as I used to be with him, but he flat out says doesn't believe that. He used to tell me in the past that i had no idea how strongly our fights used to affect him - so now he doesnt want any chance of going back there and hes happy just keeping it light and friendly but distant. How can I get past his resistance about meeting? I believe that if we meet once or twice he will see things are better and calm down... but I can't get that initial meeting to happen
If you genuinely think she's at that phase of her emotions and might move past it soon (you know your ex best), then you could consider reaching out first to break NC. However, if it's simply an impulsive act on her part because she doesn't want to deal with the emotions of a breakup, be mentally prepared that she ends up reverting back to her old negative emotions (resentment, unhappiness towards you, etc) and the cycle restarts itself.
Here’s my problem, I was begging, pleading, and trying to look pity for my ex-girlfriend just to make her stay. We had sex then goodbye. Then i saw your videos about No Contact Rules. Following your advice about no contact rules was hard as hell. My target is FULL 30 DAYS no contact but in my two weeks of battle. Suddenly she texted me, i try to ignore her, then she call me using other number so we talked since its likely rude to ignore her at all. She told me she wasn’t happy in her new bf. She felt sorry for me. She’s asking me if there was any chance to rebuild our relationship?Is she still welcome to my life? I told her i am awesome now, i currently dating to someone else the she get madly jealous. She doesn’t want me to date others.She really want to see me but ill be the one who refuse to see her. I told her i will only see you when you come back to me. She wanted me to stick around but u said to your videos not to get in friendzone.
One night in 2013, she asked if she could stay over, and I more or less spilled my guts to her and admitted my intense feelings. She said she didn’t reciprocate. It would take about nine months of hardcore wooing before Mary finally said she had feelings for me. In 2016, three years after that night and almost ten years after our first date, I asked her to marry me and she said yes.
Just an update on this situation... So we broke up about 3 weeks ago and I am currently about half way through no contact and last night realised he’d friended a girl on Facebook and Instagram. I am fairly certain they have met and hit it off and are most likely seeing eachother now. However he doesn’t post much so I know he won’t be posting pictures of them together so I will never know for sure what is happening. But... How do I go about reaching out now? Should I stick to the plan I originally had about reaching out once no contact period is done or does something need to change in my plan because of the possibility of him seeing someone?
We tried to be friends for 3 weeks because I missed him terribly and I thought it helped me (and him) manage the pain as we text and call all the time, but last weekend, we ended up kissing and making out. I called him to ask him what this means, and if he is standing by his decision to be with the other woman, and he says he has no comment on his decision as he's equally as confused himself.
Together for a year. Broke up back in January after a bad fight, and a string of tough times due to bad communication. I was sure that it wasn’t meant to be, supported her through the heartbreak, continued daily contact, lunch dates, sex, but no sleepovers. After two months of this she decided she needed to move on. I was bummed but thought I knew what I was doing. She started going on a few dates and instantly linked up with a new guy (hoping a rebound). She even posted videos on Snapchat wearing a turned in claddagh ring after a month (very unlike her). A month after we cut ties, I realized I screwed up. I missed her so much, reflected for two weeks, came to a lot of conclusions about things I wasn’t giving to the relationship, etc. I then Stupidly went into desperation mode. For a week I bombarded her with pleads of my love. What I learned and how it will be different etc. She was not receptive. Said it’s time for me to move on, stop reaching out to her friends for advice, we’re not getting back together she’s happy and in a good place right now. I stupidly have already looked for very needy and realized I should’ve went no contact.
If a man is honest and tells you he does not want a relationship, then as a woman you should honor his truth in telling you this and take a moment to reflect and understand that you may need to pull away. Not to mention, if he also gives you the popular one-liner by saying, “I’m just seeing where things go,” proceed with caution. This is not a committed answer, so why would he want to commit to you? This is just an answer to lure you away from the truth in hopes to keep you around for what he is in search of pleasure and attention.
good food for thought dave. my partner is 53 and divorced twice. so having his assetts split twice, and in second marriage time splitting with his son. i commend his bravery for taking the courage to still take the risk for seeking companionship with me. (who has also experienced both divorce once and child access splitting) we reassure each other that our assetts and finances are to remain our own, and up to self choices made for how much is shared towards gifts and/or meals etc neither of us want each other to be in our past experiences ever again,… Read more »
It has been proven that people appreciate the things that they invest in. For example, you’re more likely to fall in love and take better care of an expensive handbag if it took you 12 months worth of savings to purchase it. But for the purse your cousin gifted you for your 21st birthday, it stays crammed in the back of your closet. You didn’t have to work very hard to obtain it, so it doesn’t hold the same type of sentimental value to you. The same principal applies to relationships. People care more when they put more effort into their relationships, so if you want your guy to commit, you have to get him to invest in you!
Because he was feeling so much better about himself with his new problem-solving and listening habits, Peter was able to talk with his wife in the playful and engaging mode that had attracted her when they had first met. Paulette was delightfully surprised. She appreciated his clarity about the mistaken roads he had taken. She liked his vision of the new Peter. She especially like the many ways that already he was acting in the new ways. She felt for the first time in years that Peter was actually seeing and listening to her instead of locked in a narcissistic bubble.
there’s a guy younger than me, very romantic, considerate, big heart, is looking for a girlfriend, he doesnt have alot of responsibility lives with his parents still. I hav kids and I want someone that is financially stable to take care of themselves first. I was honest and don’t want to get hurt or hurt him and if I get too close as friends I may want more. I told him maybey we shouldn’t talk and he didn’t understand what he did wrong. He hasn’t called me back. We work together, I want to be his friend, and since he… Read more »
I suggest that working towards getting the fling back isn't the most healthy of options and you should just be honest with your feelings towards him. Keep in mind that you should be mentally prepared for the worst because flings often end with one person getting hurt especially when the other person may not have been entirely serious about you in the first place.
hi. i broke up with my ex girlfriend (2 weeks ago) for a second time after 7 months. We were together for 4 years now. In Oct last year, we broke up because of my mistake. i was rude to her when she did something i didn't like, and it took me 1 month to get her back. i followed radio silence technique and be very persistent to make a point to text her every 2-3 days. one thing that helped was back then, she was working in a new company and her boss was emotionally abusive. i had the opportunity to be there for her and promised her i will change (and she acknowledges that during this break up that i've changed 90%). the reason for the break up is 1) she wants to explore herself as she's only 25. we got together when she was 21. (i'm 30 right now). 2) she said she can't forget the past hurt that i've caused her. 3) she said i'm a great guy, she still love me and will miss me as we're part of each other already. 4) my dominant character has sort of overshadow her to be independent.
Typically, men love to see their woman as a prize that they need to work for. They see the woman that they choose to be with as an accomplishment and as someone that took work to earn. It might sound a little silly but it’s true. Men love to know a woman has a mind of her own, is confident, and isn’t easy to get. So, men pull away when women get too clingy. Do not start canceling all your plans to be available to him every day all day.
Put your guy on your very own reward system if you want him to warm up to the idea of finally committing to you. When a guy goes out of his way to do something nice for you, and you reward him for his efforts, it will make him see commitment in a new light. A reward can be something as simple as saying “thank you,” or it could be a kiss on the cheek, a hug, or buying him a cupcake from his favorite bakery. Rewarding him lets him know that he is able to please you, and if he’s able to make you happy, you have officially placed yourself in the category as the girl he would love to commit to.
Meanwhile, we all try to establish our sense of self both inside and outside our relationships. So the first step is to remind yourself that these phases in a relationship are normal. Especially during the early stages. So don’t stress, let go of your fear and doubt. Stop recounting every last minute of the phone conversation you just had and find things in your life that you enjoy. Fill your time with meaningful distraction.
Of course, it's also possible that there’s anger, resentment, or deeper issues going on. If that's the case, Mintz says you shouldn't be using sex as a weapon — that's only going to cause more harm in the relationship — and should instead be honest about how you're feeling. If you're not comfortable bringing it up on your own (or discussing it when your partner does), she suggests seeing a therapist, who can help the two of you navigate the issue in a healthy way.
So an update, my boyfriend came back. It was a mix of everything that had piled up slowly in the last 6months that he didn’t deal with effectively. This isn’t such a surprise as he spoke about it a week before such as physical and mental long work hours, debts and family issues which he felt affected the quality of our relationship. He retreated to become calm and gain clarity. Mind you, this was a 2 week retreat with only 2 ‘I’ll contact you soon’ texts so I kept my distance. When he came back I was supportive and he opened up to me. So now he just needs some support and a clear path. The last thing I’d ever do is blame him for his absence while he is going through a vulnerable time.
Whether if you’re madly in love with your significant other or looking to get your ex back it is very important for you to be aware of the power struggle. You also must continuously adjust according to the dynamics that you are both in; at times let go and other times take a stand and be a bit tougher with the one you love; out of love for them and to save your relationship from itself!
Another point, which is quite stereotypical, is owning nice undergarments. It doesn't have to be super-fancy lingerie, but a nice matching set of lace underwear and bra go a long way. While my boyfriend doesn't care much, he is always pleasantly surprised when I have something special waiting under my casual clothes. He notices every time. In general, I think French women are more intentional about their personal care, including what they wear underneath their clothes, and this is definitely appreciated by French men. And women should do it for themselves, too!"
Great job for stopping smoking. But remember, you really did it for yourself. That choice is yours for “you” and it will have positive implications for your entire life. Just go it slow. Relationships that have been injured need to be nursed back to health slowly. Look to my website Home page for resources, tools, and my eBooks to help you with the entire relationship recovery process.
Gentlemen, if you think your lady is special please let her know. One of the biggest complaints I hear from my fellow women in relationships is that they feel unappreciated. The best way to let your lady know that you appreciate her is to tell her and show her. We love hearing that you adore us and appreciate everything we do (and please give some specifics so we know you are noticing everything).
You're probably going to have to give it a little more time, before trying to contact him again for an answer if not he may think of you as too desperate. Often though, a guy wouldn't really 'think' about it, but instead shut off from the negative thoughts and distract themselves with other things so you'll probably still have to check in eventually. You're also going to have to understand what made him suddenly feel this way (that you're both not going to work out), and if it was something that happened overnight or were there underlying feelings of unhappiness on his end that led him to build his thoughts in this manner.
You want to let your man know that he can keep his freedom and still be in a committed relationship. However freedom doesn’t mean he can meet other women, you just mean he can still enjoy going out with friends and doing the things he enjoys doing. Women tend to think of relationships as leading to big changes such as buying a new house and starting a new family.
When fear loses its power, you become unafraid to be yourself. You learn to show up, to be witnessed, and be real in your relationships, because there is nothing to lose, and nothing to be rejected. Rejection takes on new meaning, and it is no longer because there is something inherently wrong, broken, or inadequate within you. There is great power in authenticity.
I met my BF six months ago. I thought things were going great. If he needs me to do things for him I do if I can. Usually because of our work schedules we only see each other on the weekends so I am not crowding him. We have never had a bad argument although he has made me mad before I get over things quickly. Then out of the blue he stopped calling and returning my calls. Was he hurt or dead? I drove to his house and knocked. No answer although his truck was there. I left a note but haven’t heard back. It’s been two weeks. I’m very hurt and confused. I feel like I could be okay with giving him space if he had said he needed space. At least then I wouldn’t have to speculate. I had told him I loved him and maybe he freaked out. But I believe if you feel it. Should say it because tomorrow is not promised and I don’t want to regret not saying it. FYI my BF is twice divorced. Maybe that’s why he’s freaked.
The process of getting back with an ex is not always easy. If it was you wouldn’t be doing research on the internet and you wouldn’t seek the help of relationship experts. One of the most challenging aspects of this process is the need to be self-critical and to constantly ask yourself the right questions to make sure that you act the right way and not fall into any of the pitfalls along the way.
This guy I went on a few dates with recently told me that I was a cool person but he thought that we weren’t compatible in the long run. He still talks to me through texting often. After he told me, I didn’t react and simply said “oh OK”.Then he asked me if I was pissed off or upset about it. I simply replied that I was fine and he told me I was cooler than he thought.
I Sophia…try not to get caught up with innuendo or what he may have said to someone about you. Some guys won’t accept responsibility for their actions and will lie and deceive to cast blame on others. Now you have more insight into his behavior. I think you would benefit if you looked to join my Private Facebook Support Group. It has about 1500 women who have gone through all kinds of breakups and the support each other. I do weekly live Facebook webcasts on various topics. You can go to my website Menu/Products link to learn more about this!
On Monday, I brought up the other girls name and it ended up in a big argument. I have major trust issues now after what has happened but he doesn't understand! The same girl is working with him AGAIN. He has since called it off with me and has started messaging her again. He says I have pushed him too far this time and I am stressing him out with mentioning things that have happened. That I ruin everything and there is no going back.
If you want him to miss you, you can use social media as your advantage. Update your social media feed so he can see all the fun you’re having. Guys are definitely more visual creatures so give him something good to look it and he’ll be hooked, which brings you to the next step. But make sure you do not fabricate fake posts, just be you, be fun, and be authentic.
Hi Eric, I have situation that you’ve probably dealt with. I was seriously dating /living with the love of my life and we were so inove that we wouldn’t even consider anyone else. We were together for a yr and 5 months when an ex-friend ( homewrecker) began conversing with him in posts on social media. I trusted him, so nenever thought there would be risk. He ended up leaving me for her, moved in with her, and has been playing “step-dad” to her rotten kids. We’ve tried several times to work it out because he says he knows he hurt me, he screwed up and now he loves 2 women and he’s confused and has not been able to choose. He knows she wrecked us but can’t seem to get completely back to me. He even calls her stupid, and says he’s miserable with her. Now, I’m not so stupid as to not know that actions speak louder than words, but I love him and want to put us back together. She will never be the woman that I am and I think part of him feels sorry for her while I do not!! She has always been extremely jealous of me, but I’m in NO way jealous of her. Can you offer any advice? I know this is the condensed version of too many details to list…I wish I could talk to you. I believe there is hope as I know men at 46 go through mid life crises. At 45 myself though, I know what I want…hope to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks…
Thanks, Ryan. The relationship was a very meaningful one in which we helped one another to grow in certain ways. I will be ever thankful for that even if we never succeed together as a couple. I will be just as happy without her as I was with her, and I will be happy for her as long as she is truly happy with her life without me in it. I have no bad blood towards her at all, and cannot, with any of my being, ever bring myself to hate or want to hurt her. I just hope, in all honesty, that no matter what happens, she will be alright. I know that I will.
There is no point in playing games, to make this work just simply forget about it and you will soon see a difference whether will be in a few weeks or a few months. Everyone is different and every relationship is different and sometime the best thing to do is to forget about making him commit and let it happen naturally. I have every confidence technique will work.
I met a guy on a dating app and we hit it off right away, the first date we kissed and had a ton in common which is so rare for me. Things moved quickly from there and we were seeing eachother one a regular basis (2-3 times a week), texting daily and I stayed at his place every weekend. He planned great dates and would regularly follow up to make plans. Although on one hand I started to really fall for him, I did have some concerns about his communication. When I asked questions about his past, he was very vague about his previous relationships and closed off to discussing them. He also seemed not very experienced with dating/sex which I didn't mind. He told me he had not had a girl friend in high school or university and had been single for 5 years (so most of his life he has been single). That is the most I got out of him.
Make peace with your fears and insecurities to diminish their power. When you learn how to manage fear, you become confident in dating and relationships. To overcome fear, empower yourself with knowledge. Become a student of relationships, instead of a victim of them. Study love. Read. Watch. Listen. Find every way you can to learn about how men and women work, so that you can become both a student, and a master of love in your life.
"Human experience has not yet devised anything," Peter wrote on an early email, "that can shield us from the pain of a broken love, the pain of feeling thrown out of your own world and out into the cold. Same as being born: I huddled in a very cosy place that was my natural place to be, then all of a sudden I am ejected into a new and hostile place, one that's not where I felt at home. And there is nothing the baby can do but scream and cry and feel terrible."
If you want him to miss you, you can use social media as your advantage. Update your social media feed so he can see all the fun you’re having. Guys are definitely more visual creatures so give him something good to look it and he’ll be hooked, which brings you to the next step. But make sure you do not fabricate fake posts, just be you, be fun, and be authentic.
It's believed that men are so consumed by libido that they have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But that couldn't be further from the truth. "[There are] plenty of men who feel very self-conscious about their weight, or parts of their body, and really are affected by this in the bedroom," says Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex and Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters. Many are impacted by performance anxiety too, asking themselves questions like, "Will I be able to get an erection?," "Have I gained too much weight?" and, "Will I be able to please her?"
Even though this one may be hard to swallow because we value ourselves so highly as women and no one likes a blow to the ego or rejection, it’s important to talk about. Often times a man will show you signals of commitment but not want to commit to getting to know you. There are two principal reasons for this. Either they just don’t have interest in you and don’t want to hurt your feelings, or you fell in love too easily and they lost interest in the chase of getting their “prize”. I will go deeper into the meaning of the chase and the “prize” as we move along this article.
"Regardless of what you've heard, realize that guys can indeed be 'just friends' with other girls. Some women can get really jealous for no reason. Some think there's no such thing as a platonic relationship with another girleither one or the other of you wants to hook up. It's important for them to know that those relationships can and do exist with the opposite sex. Don't drive yourself crazy over them." KC I.
Peter did a lot of studying of couple skills on his own via books and a website. At the same time, he had a therapist for guidance when he felt stuck and to help him with insights and deeper subconscious change. Finding a therapy professional to help you through this kind of crisis can be helpful, provided it is a therapist who helps you to see and rectify your relationship mistakes.
I really love him. I just want to hear from him. Some of the reasonings we broke up include he felt unappreciated, he wasn’t “getting” happy, he’s bored with the relationship because all we do is sit around, which I immediately told him that’s not fair and I always try to get him to do things and said I know. But a few more reasons he’s told me, he wants to be around someone positive, and I’ll admit I haven’t been in the best shape lately. I lost my job, I’ve been going through family issues, and friend issues. I always am first to tell him everything. I can understand why this is what could push him away. He is a very easy go free kind of guy. He also told me “I’m not what he wants in a girlfriend” of course all these words hurt. I think about everything he’s said and it hurts. Do I believe them? Slightly.
That being said, and long story short, my temper got the better of me when I started feeling neglected... again. I’m not proud of this, I am ashamed. I acted the same way I would act before. I was so certain I had left that part go during no contact. I know the whole point of no contact period is to work on myself and I did! I swear. Apparently it wasn’t enough? I’m not sure. But after being affectionate, cuddling, sex, the openness of sharing everything, to all of a sudden seeing her so distant again, I guess I just panicked. She was as she was when we were about to break up. NO EXCUSES. I fucked up, plain and simple.
The hardest question of all to answer though is this one: ‘why do men pull away after intimacy’? The answer is unclear, but it’s usually tied to a man who realized you weren’t what he craved in the long run. Especially when he becomes distant in this case, it can be difficult to repair what you had. We’re not saying it’s impossible for a guy to overcome his worries about you or the relationship. However, usually, once those doubts become so strong that it makes him pull away and become distant, it’s often too late to salvage something strong and durable.
Therefore, make sure that you keep kissing your partner! The 9-second kiss is a way to ensure that you connect intimately in this way, every day. When you or your partner comes home, make the first contact between the two of you, a kiss – a kiss that lasts for at least 9 seconds – while you closely hug each other. Make it a juicy, sexy and succulent kiss! Through kissing, you connect. Kissing creates desire. It brings you closer to your partner.
I really love your blogs, they make a lot of sense, and I need your help with something. I’m 39 years old and I’m engaged to a woman I adore. Here’s my problem, she nags me all the time. I want to be there for her but it feels like she’s always demanding so much time and energy. I know you’re supposed to “compromise” in a relationship but it seems like I’m making all the sacrifices and I’m starting to feel like this relations...
Heres the thing, I had been an addict for the last 7 years, and I hid it from everyone, especially him. But it dominated my life and I know that it affected how his feelings developed. I wouldn't spend the night at his place bc i need to come home and get high. I would show up late to things bc I would be getting high until the very last second. Addicts don't care about anyone but themselves, and I never put in the effort to making him happy. He never knew how bad it was, and I don't think he even knows how it affected the relationship, but I do.
Well, at this point he does not seem apologetic at all for cheating on you and leaving you for another person, so there's honestly no point in making an effort on your part to mend things because it would only reinforce that his behavior was not wrong. Even if you did manage to win him back, the same issue may occur again, as he does not do anything to make it up to you, and you remain with trust issues, which would eventually lead to the same type of breakup happening.
Real trust is hard won and easily lost. Trust can be whittled away little by little with small transgressions, as in failure to keep promises with no acknowledgment or apology, only excuses; or all at once as in an affair. When trust is gone a relationship begins to die. People end up just going through the motions of being in relationship. Love and connection withers. Emotional connection dries up. Communication suffers, becoming stilted and mechanical, concerned mostly with the logistics of life. Eye contact becomes fleeting and uncomfortable.
We explained earlier how keeping your emotions in check is critical to making this period of no contact work. I know how easy it is to backslide and fall into our familiar patterns. This isn’t just the case with relationships either. Just think about how it normally goes for you when you’re starting anything new: a new low-carb diet, a new bedtime, mediation, a new workout routine, etc.