“I have been a mental health therapist in Denver, Colorado, for over 20 years. I have been a guide for healing and growth for thousands of clients. Because I have been a witness to the transformation of many lives, I can tell you that anything, and everything in your life- your “broken”, your “stuck”, your “absolutely nevers” can all be transformed into the most beautiful light….Promise. This includes your ability to find love.”
Absolutely! Women look at the details and there is a lot that a man can do to make a great first impression. Starting with good hygiene…women look at teeth, nails, shoes and almost all prefer that if you’ve lost some of your hair, then take it all off–it’s a lot sexier! And for goodness sake, dress for the occasion! Despite our evolution as a fast-paced society, when it comes to dating, some things remain constant—be your best authentic self, and mind your manners!
Women don’t want the problem necessarily resolved or an answer right away. They need time to talk about it, process it, and think. This gets men very confused and frustrated listening to a women vent. They think we are whining when we vent and if they tell us how to solve the problem, then they expect us to act upon us right away. Men need to understand that sometimes women just need to vent, be acknowledged for their frustration, and then we’re over it. Women need someone who will listen and say “Oh really?”, “uh huh,” “Yes, I can understand why you’re upset”.
And lastly, many men are from poorer school districts which graduate young men from high school unable to even read at a fourth-grade level. If you’re from a poor neighborhood, your school doesn’t have nearly as much money to hire good teachers as do schools in wealthy neighborhoods; nor will your parents likely read to you. All this leaves semi- or illiterate men feeling chronically inferior to other men, and undeserving of the blessing of raising children and being in a good marriage. As one man told my mother, being illiterate means that anybody else has a knife that they can stab you in the back with any time they want.
Going through the strangest break up at the moment as me and my ex mutually broke up because after 3 years, we both noticed she has no desire for penetration. The day after, we hung out to help her get parts for her car, ended up back at my place having the greatest sex we've ever had. She says that she doesnt feel the relationship pressure to do things perfectly and feels unhinged, but states that she wants to be FWB with a chance of getting together in the future. This is when I chose to use no contact. If we can have amazing sex with penetration after that, I'd like to see what 2 weeks or a month can lead to in terms of long term.
“Can you tell me why men pull away?” This is one of the most common questions I hear in my coaching sessions. So why do they pull away? In this article, I am going to walk you through different scenarios that can shed light on why this may be happening to you and give you a different perspective to reflect on and make this stop once and for all. This is a common trend in today’s society, and if you have landed on this article, I know that you have probably been directly affected by it or are afraid of experiencing this with someone you’re interested in.
In 2012, my little brother Adam died. My life shattered, and I spent the next month drunk in bed. It had been four years since Mary and I had spoken, but it spoke volumes to me that she came out of the woodwork to send me a handwritten note expressing her sorrow for Adam’s death. Through everything—the fights, the skipped plans, the immaturity—she found it in herself to reach out to me. I was blown away, and she was back in my life. We learned that we only lived a few blocks away from each other, and that is how we started dating for the fourth and final time. Once again we started seeing each other as friends. We always met up at this one café in the Lower East Side. I’d get a coffee, and she’d get a bagel.
Similarly, Ive seen my brother go through something similar. He did the exact thing with his current girlfriend, he moved out for a week to retreat after a minor conflict, and she was so upset, leaving presents at the door and calling me to find out if he was ok etc. I had to tell her to stop and give him space. He came around, I didnt pressure him and didnt go into it much. But the up side is that he’s still with her now.
I reconnected with my ex after four years had gone by we been together now for 6 months the relationship has its ups and downs mostly downs we fight a lot but I love him very much and I want it to work between us he has been pulling back to the point were I’m afraid I’m losing him at first he was with me everyday now I barely see him he doesn’t call when he says he will he doesn’t keep his word it hurts so much so at first I poured my heart out to him over n over again trying to get him to see how much I cared and needed him that made it worse the past few days I’m trying to give him his space keep my mouth shut but it’s so hard I feel so neglected !!!!!!! How long should I give him his space before I confront him ???? This is not ok you can’t be so close to someone then suddenly pull away from them leaving them feelings horrible and rejected!!!!
You didn't take control of the pace of the relationship. You didn't let him miss you. You gave all of yourself to him right from the start and there was nothing to miss. A lot of women assume that just because a guy really wants to keep seeing them, they should do this. However, my advice is to put the brakes on. Let him have space. Let him yearn for you a little bit, because that space is going to allow you to get to know each other, instead of just giving in and seeing each other every single night. You guys are still strangers and then suddenly the entire relationship just burns up into flames. He realizes, maybe it's moving a little bit fast and he wants to slow things down, and then you get mad and the whole thing ends. We don't want that to happen. So, again, move slower than he wants.
Erika, thank you for that. After a 13 year horrible marriage and another 2 year relationship, I felt broken. I am seeing a guy who has been through something similar. He has told me he has a hard time expressing feelings. Now, he is pulling a way a little. I feel depressed, as if I am not good enough. But your response, helps me to realize: Slow is good and he and I both need time. When we are together, things are fantastic. I will give it time and see what happens.
I love this article, I am definitely going to follow your advice. My only concern is that my ex might’ve done the 4wk no contact along with every thing else to me already. He now texts me everyday and he recently told me that he loves me and he misses me but hasn’t said he wants to get back together and he is talking to another girl. Should I still do this?
Work to move past your approach anxiety as early in your life as possible. Fortunately, this is a skill that can be easily learned and a good coach will work with you in public to tackle this challenge and build your confidence. You may wish to challenge yourself to start talking to 2 new people per day and increase your goal by at least 20% each week. Soon you will naturally be engaging with others and see new dating and relationship opportunities landing in your lap. I would also practice what to say to a woman who is being rude. Stay classy and be articulate when confronting her behavior.
Long story short, this article helped put things in perspective again. I’m going to try my Damndest to give him space when he seems to pull away, play the cool understanding girl a little while longer, & endure. I do love him with every ounce of my heart & soul. I have always been a very confident person & have NEVER let anyone “treat me” this way. But, I’ve also never loved someone so deeply nor with this personality type before.
One night in 2013, she asked if she could stay over, and I more or less spilled my guts to her and admitted my intense feelings. She said she didn’t reciprocate. It would take about nine months of hardcore wooing before Mary finally said she had feelings for me. In 2016, three years after that night and almost ten years after our first date, I asked her to marry me and she said yes.
So often women get caught up with forcing the men in their lives to do what they want they fail to find suitable time to establish of that is what they too really want deep down. Time is spent scheming, evaluating and charting plans of action that they dream will end in a lifelong commitment that they faail to think ahead if they will be truly happy. Having him commit is one asoect of it but what about you? Do you really want the commitment? Is he what you want or are you motivated to have him commit simply because he wasn't a willing candidate. You see like men, women are just as competitive, we sometimes want simply because we cannot have. Look at the relationship and outline why you want him to commit and see if your reasons are justified.
Unfortunately, the weather was terrible. I was racking my brain as to what to do, with where we were at, we couldn’t just hang in and watch Netflix. We made pancakes for breakfast. Mountain bikes has been a topic of discussion lately so I suggested we go take a look at a local shop. Then we went to say hi to his mom who lives nearby and hung out with her for a little while. The whole time, he just acted distant. We went home and he laid down on the couch and put a blanket over his head while I got started with dinner. After a little while, he said he needed to go for a drive and that he would be back in an hour. I couldn’t believe it. What had I done to make him fall out of love with me this quickly? Then I realized it wasn’t me, it was him.
I know you feel hurt and you probably feel worthless right now because feel like your ex doesn’t want you. You are eager to feel loved and hopefully ‘My ex will know that I’m in another relationship and my ex will feel jealous, and will beg to come back.’ STOP. That’s not self-love. That’s called my-ex-is-still-the-center-of-my-universe. Everything you do is because you want to get your ex back. But actually, everything you do from now on, should be focused on yourself.