You only just met this guy, and he made it clear he wasn’t leaving. You were still in the honeymoon/ infatuation phase when you left. He sounds like he really liked you, but he was right o keep it light when that’s where you two were when you left. Had you stayed and got to know each other better, you would have found out whether you two were really compatible/ on the same level, etc.
I’ve loved reading your articles and they’ve really helped me recognize what’s been tickling the corner of my self-awareness lately about my self-worth being directly related to why I always end up dating people that don’t treat me well and are emotionally unavailable. The one thing that I’m trying to figure out in this article and in my current situation is – how do you discern between a relationship (casual or exclusive) ending due to the other person being emotionally unavailable vs. being emotionally available and being turned off by your insecurities? At the end of the day, I recognize that both are directly related to my lack of self-love and that is what needs to be fixed, but in the former case, if I had previously fixed this it would have resulted in me ending the relationship as soon as I recognized the other person was emotionally unavailable/disrespecting me and in the latter it seems like the relationship would have had a chance at working out. I feel like it’s much easier to forgive myself for not holding boundaries and walking away when I knew I should have than for literally being the reason something potentially great didn’t work out..

This is why it’s important that not only do his friends like you, but you need to make sure that they love you! Don’t come across as fake though, they’ll be able to see right through you. Instead, be cordial, be friendly, smile and laugh at their jokes. Become friends with his friends’ girlfriends, too. If you can make a good impression on his pals, their love for you may be more than enough for your guy to finally realize you’re The One, and he will be ready to finally settle down with you.
I'm a bit nervous about how to approach this, I know I have to be light, to look like I'm making changes (which I am), to look positive and happy even though I'm not always like that. But there is a part of me that really wants to be serious and tell her to bet for me, not to take me back (I know I don't have to be pushy at all) but to allow me to show her how I'm overcoming things? Is it a bad idea to be a bit intense with a person which I had a lot of intense talks? I want to tell her my true intentions, that I do want her back, but that I'm willing to wait and for her to see that I have changed...I guess my question is, it is ok to voice the real itnentions in this manner? To even say, look in this time alone I did realize I do trully love you, and that it is not coming from a place of fear?
No need to sign up at the homeless shelter only to impress him. Little things in your everyday life, from buying coffee for the woman in line behind you to walking your neighbor's dog, count too. Make an effort to do these things on a regular basis, but also make sure you're showing your selfless side when you're with him. When you're a kind and gracious person, men (and women) are more likely to want to be around you—both consciously and subconsciously.
i don’t really agree that a woman’s gotta give a guy space under every circumstance because sometimes when people are in steady relationships there might be scenarios where real problems arise which might require a ‘down-time’ but either way the only solution is to talk about it, if a guy doesn’t wanna talk and he just dissapears he doesn’t have respect for the woman and is not interested at all,so for him it’s just a game and for the ladies it’s really painful.so keep away from these type of men,especially if they start to act like this in the early phases of dating and peculiarly if you met them online.these online dating guys are not trustworthy and have parallel contacts

Going through the strangest break up at the moment as me and my ex mutually broke up because after 3 years, we both noticed she has no desire for penetration. The day after, we hung out to help her get parts for her car, ended up back at my place having the greatest sex we've ever had. She says that she doesnt feel the relationship pressure to do things perfectly and feels unhinged, but states that she wants to be FWB with a chance of getting together in the future. This is when I chose to use no contact. If we can have amazing sex with penetration after that, I'd like to see what 2 weeks or a month can lead to in terms of long term.

Then we were completely out of each other’s lives. I stopped thinking about her entirely—save for those random moments I’d spot short brunettes reading on library stairs. I spent the next four years dating other people, with some hits and many misses. One woman stole a couple hundred dollars out of my checking account and got engaged to another guy while we were living together.
That's right. Sex is an integral part of healthy and happy relationships, hence the stress on keeping lines of communication open in the bedroom. You know that thing you've always wanted to try, but keep to yourself? We say, let your freak flag fly. Keeping your sex life new and interesting will make you and your partner happier in and out of the bedroom.
Your guy should trust you. Each relationship will open up differently and there will be times of passion and times of quiet. When you come to a fuller understanding of each other’s needs your relationship will deepen and get serious. In most cases, giving your partner space doesn’t mean he’s taking advantage of you. Keep your mind open, your expectations high, and your heart ready. Falling in love is hard work.
If she has you blocked, avoid doing anything that gives her further reason to push you away, such as stalking, or pestering her. Unfortunately, in these circumstances, no contact will have to continue until she forgives you or lets some of the negative emotions go and unblocks you. Her reaction also seems clear that she's not ready to face you yet and is still mad at you. Until then, anything else you do will only cause more anger and resentment from her.
First (and most important), promise not to judge the other. Then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. Next time you're feeling hot and heavy, pull one out. Either jump right into fulfilling that fantasy or, if you need a little more time to adjust, ask what it is about that fantasy that your partner likes, Dr. Kort says. "Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different scenarios that feel comfortable for both of you," he adds.
I experienced this just recently with my man as he was really stressed out with work and started being distant. I backed off and did not call or text him. I started letting him do all the work and it only took about a week for him to miss me like crazy. He even said he didn’t know what had come over him but he couldn’t stop thinking about me all day. In that time, I started a new workout and got busy. He loved that and now he’s giving me all this attention again. Don’t be scared to give your man space ladies and do you. It’s healthy and helps you to take better care of you too.
When you show a guy that you are a giver and self-less person, he’s going to love you more. Taking the time to help others, says a lot about you. When you volunteer your time at the local hospital, to help collect donations for cancer, or to feed the homeless at Christmas time, you’re showing your guy what a great catch you are. He can’t help but love you more for this.
Before reading this article, if a guy pulled away I would have automatically assumed he was no longer interested, had met someone else or I’d done something to upset him. In addition, I most certainly wouldn’t have been happy to welcome him back with open arms. On the other hand, IF the need for space was communicated beforehand-though I’d still be wondering- then I’d have no problem with this at all.
Hi Rosie! I love the way you talk (“I don’t want to talk to him from a place of blame but one of giving and what I want to give is my confidence, mysetry, joy and best self and love myself completely so I can give them my best self”). I couldn’t say it better myself! Make sure you have a good blueprint to work from, so if you have not picked up a copy of my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, you should do so. (i.e. website Menu/Products link).. It is massive and covers so much…in so much detail. Kinda like a Companion Guide that helps you along the way and optimizes one’s chances. I think you have very good understanding of the No Contact Principle. Maybe since things ended in an arguement, you make a little exception to the NC rule and reach out just give him a heads up that you are progressing thru your own self discovery process and just wanted him to know you appreciate him recommending that the two of you take some space (even if he didn’t recommend it). So what you accomplish is a little connection so he knows that he is not far from your mind and you are working to be the best version of yourself. That may be intriguing to him and enhance “your” value in his mind.

Just imagine a scenario where you don’t want to talk to a person and they are sending you a text message every 5 minutes. Your inbox is filled with hundreds of messages by them, even though you haven’t replied to even one. And later on at night, that person gets drunk and calls you and start saying complete and utter non-sense. What would you think of that person? Would it make you want to start a new relationship with them?


Regardless of how a relationship ends, all breakups result in the same thing: Every guy on the planet -- seriously, every f*cking guy -- will wait until their exes have moved on from their relationships to want their exes back. This fact is so universally predictable that women anticipate and LIVE for the day when they have moved on and feel unaffected by their ex-boyfriends' efforts to win back their love. We basically fantasize about it.
He was so sweet, romantic, a gentleman, fun, funny. He made my heart flutter. He tried to recreate my pose in the photo of me he had made his desk top photo. (I had made his photo my screen saver on my cell too. lol) He was doing things to keep my comfortable and told me he didn’t come all this way for sex and proved he wanted more. We were like best friends. So compatible.
A week ago my boyfriend of 7 years told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. That he still cared and loved me but that he wasn’t happy and the spark was gone. He was my whole world, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done. The problem is that we have to still share an apartment together for another month until I can get my own. I have been trying to stay busy and thinking positive thoughts. But it’s hard when you still have to see him.
We went back to our place and he told me he wanted to break up with me for sure. I tried to reason with him again, to give me more time But he was sure, he had felt bad about changing his mind before apparently; after a couple hours of heated conversation, of me trying to convince him, he even told me he didn’t love me anymore ( which I’m not sure about, was he saying that so that i let go?). I gave in and we took my flight ticket back home. We spent the day after together, it was awesome and incredibly sad. I didn’t want to believe I was letting go of a life I wanted so much. He was so sad too, it felt like he was hurting a lot too.
i have been dating this guy for almost six months now, we have not started having sex, because i told him i am not ready we have talked about it and he agreed. But of late i feel he is pulling away, sometimes he will not call or text me unless if i call him or text him first, he is always postponing our dates and its like he does not want to see me, when i ask him he says he is just busy with work or he could not call me because he had no credit in his phone, i don’t really know what to do? should i just leave him alone or i continue calling or texting him first all the time…, does it mean he has lost interest in me? please help ,
A man should allow a woman to completely express her concerns without feeling that they have to “fix it.” This enables her to feel validated and him to better address her needs. I am not advocating for a man to remain silent and not to provide his feedback. I am stressing that by simply listening to her in an earnest way, he is helping her work through her issues/problems.
Ladies…all I can say is if you feel insecure about your looks then make yourself more attractive for YOU! Not for a man. There’s nothing that increases a woman’s feelings of insecurity more than doing something to herself FOR a man, or for the purpose of attracting men. It may make you feel confident and powerful in the short term, but that feeling doesn’t last if your focus is on doing it for him. Your purpose should be feeling better about yourself and increasing your own confidence regardless of men. What men seem to forget is that women are not on this earth solely for their pleasure. How you feel about yourself should be totally independent of what men think.

Hi Lauren, i had recently bought the book men are from mars and women are from Venus, it has brought me to try and discover more wonderful information on your page. My boyfriend of three years had recently just left me about a month an a half ago, we had just moved in together and were only living at our apartment for 2 months before he decided to lay the break up on me. He says he needs to find himself and his happiness, this term is still so confusing for me when things for the past three years were going so well. and just 2 weeks before he broke up with me he had talked about marrying me wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. as soon as he left the apartment and packed his things he doesn't want to see me or doesn't really talk to me and whenever we do talk it always ends up in the both of breaking down crying because its so sad. he has told me that he still loves me deeply and cares about me but doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. I have no idea really what to take from all this, i know that i may have smothered him to much in the relationship but at the time i did not know what i had been doing i do know that i some how contributed to this traumatic event. but he is making it seem like its totally over and he is just cutting things cold turkey. i never seen this break up coming and he said to me that it just happened and he didn't even realize he was going to do it. after three years of being together hes acting as if he doesn't even know me. i just need some advice of insight on what might be happening to him or me right now for this to take place? ...

Typically, men love to see their woman as a prize that they need to work for. They see the woman that they choose to be with as an accomplishment and as someone that took work to earn. It might sound a little silly but it’s true. Men love to know a woman has a mind of her own, is confident, and isn’t easy to get. So, men pull away when women get too clingy. Do not start canceling all your plans to be available to him every day all day.
When a man pulls away, try not to take it personally. Believe me, I know this is way easier said than done. Everything is going great, you start to think this guy could be the one and then boom, he disappears for what seems to be no apparent reason. If you can relate to this, it probably isn’t your fault. Although it’s impossible to give an exact reason why he pulled away, most of the time it’s his own personal issue’s. If it’s really bugging you, there’s an amazing guide by Slade Shaw. He shows you why men lose interest… Read more »
End the conversation first. Start hanging up the phone or ending the text conversation before he does, especially if you’re usually the last to say goodbye. Being the first to end the conversation will leave him wanting more, and keep you on his mind until he talks to you again. This longing for more communication will start to drive him wild with his desire to talk to you.[3]
Hi I met this girl at work and we started dating for like 6 months she said she love me so much and she feels so comfortable and very happy with me and I felt the same way too, everything about us was good. We planned of living together and our future too, suddenly I just knew that she has a boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Few days ago she told me that she don’t wanna continue dating me bcos of her boyfriend. I really don’t know what to do at this time I really love her. I wanna know what should I do in this kind of situation?

So me and my ex were together two years ago (long distance) we broke up & (we have children together also) we spoke on getting back tougher but his job took him overseas for about a year so fast forward things were seeming like err been on the right track .. we spoke on vacations, plans & etc … than after a weekend together he says he really thought about it but he don’t think we will work out because we are two different people … he never said he wasn’t in love with me but that he is vegan i’m Not & that he wants to move to a different t state in a year or two & I want to wait 3-4 (don’t want to move with no job lined up) and that he wants someone who on the same page as him (we haven’t had in depth conversations since before he left & he doesn’t realize that I now want to move sooner than later… we have kids so I know the NC rule might be hard but they have their own phones and was just like if we need to speak I can do it through them or is that unfair … my friends say it seems like he is scared of breaking up again


Reason #5. Maybe you read on the internet that you just need some time apart. The negative emotions need to die down. Your ex is angry, and once he stops being angry, he will realize what a mistake he has made. In the meantime you can improve and become a much better version of yourself. Right? Wrong. No 30, 60 or 90 days of no contact or space can heal a broken relationship. Granted, it can make anger dissipate and make people nostalgic. But it cannot fix deep problems in relationships. Most likely the two of you are simply incompatible right now. It will take a lot of experience interacting with other people before you can possibly embark on a new and healthier relationship with your ex. But when that time comes, you may not want your ex-partner back anymore.
I’m thinking of pulling away for that reason. The words of affirmation just aren’t there at all. And what’s more upsetting is he told me a story about how he expressed his feelings to his ex girlfriend almost instantly, really quickly into them meeting each other. They ended up breaking up because she was not as into him. So now I feel like I have to disappear just to see if he actually likes me.
I don’t know if someone could give me an advice, or maybe i’ll be criticized but i need to tell someone my storry. It’s a bit large so i apologize but it’s because of how complicated things are. Three years ago i started working as a girl of “company” ( i don’t really like the other words that describe this job). On my sixth month i met Him. At first he was just one of my best clients. But we got to talk a lot and start knowing each other, so we fell in love. He says he fell in… Read more »
Romance isn’t just about a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. A satisfying relationship can also make people feel happy and healthy. But keep in mind that successful relationships aren't just about rainbows and butterflies—a healthy partnership requires communication, respect, and plenty of good habits from both people. So when dating that special someone, avoid stalking their ex on Facebook, keeping feelings bottled up, and splitting the double cheeseburger every night. These (and five other) bad habits could make a great relationship take a turn for the worse.
This is great advice! However, I may be a little too late in receiving it. I like this guy and we had an amazing connection for a couple months. As soon as I decided he was someone I wanted to be with, we started doing everything together and I began outwardly letting him know I care. Now he seems barely interested at all. Is there recovery from this or is it time to just move on? Thank you
There's a chance where he may have used you as an emotional rebound subconsciously for the relationship that failed when his other partner cheated on him. He could have thought that he felt emotionally rekindled with you, but that may just as easily been diminished after having sex. My suggestion now would probably for you to continue on with life and not appear too 'needy' by constantly trying to make something out of what happened because if you do want him back, doing so may lead to him distancing himself even further.
Stop trying to get your ex back if the relationship was toxic or abusive. It might feel temporarily lonely or even boring to be on your own after the end of a tumultuous relationship, but try to ride that feeling out instead of going back to your ex. On again, off again relationships tend to be based on unhealthy patterns that won't go away. Resist the temptation to jump right back in when you know you're better off without him.
First, you have to know what you need in your relationship. It may seem “weak” or “unmanly” to admit that you have needs, but everyone has them. Common needs include admiration, respect, feeling desired, sex, physical affection, time alone or together, etc. After you identify them, let your partner know why these are important to you. Be specific about what getting your needs met would look like. If you need time alone, is that a couple nights a week or time on the weekend? When you ask for what you need, you give your partner the opportunity to respond lovingly, and that will boost your relationship satisfaction.
Getting him to commit to your relationship will be much more difficult if you keep nagging him about the same old things, over and over again. This is one of the major things you want to avoid if you are asking yourself the question how to get him to commit to you. There is nothing more annoying for a man than a whiny, spoiled woman who doesn’t stop nagging him about every single thing. If you are doing it all the time, stop it. The only thing you will achieve ios driving him up the wall or away from you. Making him run away from you will make your job twice as hard. Instead, embrace the new tactic. Let him loose a bit, and that doesn’t have to mean he can cheat or do what he wants. No. Just find another way to word out what you are bothered with, and sometimes being silent is golden as he will be wondering what is on your mind. If you still don’t know how to get him to commit, we got one more trick up our sleeve.
Being together means facing situations together, and this could include a tragedy. Death, financial difficulties, job issues, problems with family are the things a couple face. When the guy just wants to be with you in a difficult time, he is ready to commit. Shah says, “In a relationship, there is a need for emotional security and bonding. This can be shown by either partner by being there — just standing with them or holding hands. This stage conveys a deeper level of relating to each other and also the security someone is there with them. It shows that the relationship has reached an emotional maturity by handling the strong emotions of each other in a balanced healthy way. This cements the relationship.”

The worst thing you can do in a deal is seem desperate to make it. Leverage is your biggest strength – it means having something the other person wants or can’t do without. She decides it’s in her best interest to commit. Most people don’t want to “brag”. I say do it. BRAG! Don’t be afraid to talk about your good qualities and what you have to bring to a relationship. If you don’t tell her then who will?
Why is this the easiest? Well it doesn’t have as many core problems as other circumstances, like for instance getting a girl back from another guy. That’s harder. You only broke up due to distance, meaning that the attraction she feels for you is still present. In fact it might even have increased, since women get off on desiring what they can’t have (you). Even if it seems impossible, it can be done.

One of the keys to getting back together will be your ability to stay active and not let your sadness or depression lead to inaction. It is very common to want to stay on your couch, not do anything or have no desire to see anyone after a breakup. The issue is that if you do not force yourself to stay active and to undertake certain actions, you will keep digging yourself further and further down the hole.


Luckily, the period of no contact will give you the time to put in place practices and structures to help you drop your stories and see things in a more positive light. Journaling, meditating, and yoga also helps. Maybe it sounds a little too new-age for you, but intense emotional experiences can send your thoughts into overdrive, so it’s really important to try and find a stillness within and learn to quiet your mind, or at least slow it down a bit.
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 21 days ago (I’ve been no contact for 20 days) he broke up with me using a cliche (I’m sorry for not communicating more, you deserve better). He had mentioned to me that he still loved me and thought the relationship could be saved, however I talks with my mom and had told her basically it was my fault we broke Up and that he didn’t think we could work it out. It was hard at first, I’ve invested a lot into the relationship, both financially( when his tv died I gave him mine, he didn’t have a car so my parents gave him my brothers 2014 Kia Forte and even let him on our insurance so he could pay less), emotionally, and physically(first). We’ve had countless firsts together (he used to be JW and didn’t celebrate holidays so every holiday was a first for him, plus we had other firsts..) he made a lot of commitments, even purchased a $400 promise ring.... anyway, I’ve been doing good in terms of my own recovery, lost weight, got tan, worked on my flaws, meet up with old friends, started playing tennis again, been on a few great dates.... he text me today actually on day 20, but I did not respond (it was a generic “hey Jordan”) he also text my mom and mentioned he wanted to take our dog (that I keep) to the canyon .... don’t want to read into it, but considering our history, what is your expert opinion on my progress and if our relationship can start anew?
Well, now you have to meet your ex. When you contact your ex, you need to ask them to meet you. But do not call it a date. Do not even talk about getting back together. Just say you want to “catch up” or “hang out together”. Try to keep it short, like a lunch or coffee. The date has to be in setting where you can leave easily if you sense that things are going south.

Well, one thing is for certain, you have the right idea. It’s just maybe your execution is wrong. It’s always true: absence does make the heart grow fonder. You can have a person become closer and more attached to you if you take some time apart for a bit; as ironic as that may seem. When you’re truly in love with someone, you’re going to miss that person whenever they’re not around. And the more that you miss that person, the more that you’re going to look forward to seeing them again – and by extension, the more that you’re going to appreciate whatever time that you can get to spend with one another.
Because something about your behavior is making her feel as if you are not really committed to her. She feels that, although she’s attracted to you, you won’t give her what she wants and needs from a relationship (i.e. support her, and not keep chasing other girls). This is completely different from a situation where you’re trying to get a girl back when she has moved on.
As he saw the impact of his new listening skills Peter all the more conscientiously dug into learning all he could from his relationship skills book, workbook and online program.  He realized that prior to the relationship breakup he had had no idea of what a high-skilled activity sustaining a loving partnership was.  Now that he understood the potency of collaborative dialogue, conflict resolution and emotional self-regulation skills he studied intensely every night as if he was preparing for exams.

This may or may not work, but I think it’s your best shot given the distance issue. The Philippines is overrun with women that like Western men anyway so even if she doesn’t come through, I’m sure you can meet other women anyway, maybe online. That can be the backup plan and you may find someone that you like even better when over there. So, that’s what I would do!


Right on from the man’s perspective. The kind of things like “you’re in the doghouse” is exactly what drives men away. Respect goes both ways in a relationship, and it’s not a battle of the sexes. When women see it as “men vs. women” it’s half over already. It’s not to say men are not jerks — many are. But if the love and connection are strong, then be respectful. If we guys want to have me time or gain some perspectives by retreating, please let us do so instead of making us feel even worse, like we’re scum…. and we will respect more of you, as we also know you need your space too from time to time. A relationship is a fluid thing and we need to adjust and adapt. Mostly, we need to respect each other.
Sounds like pie in the sky? Well, according to Shawn Achor, if he knows everything about what factors are impinging on your happiness such as stressors, hassles, successes, economic circumstances, relationships and so on, then he can only predict 10% of your long term happiness. The remaining 90% is how you process the world around you. If happiness is on the other side of success, it is unlikely you will get there as you continually strive to get better grades, higher salaries and so on.
Your main goal in this section is to just open up communication. Remember though, you want to be in control at all times. That means that YOU have to be the one to end the conversation. To make matters more complicated you can’t get into a full blown conversation with him yet. This is simply a small baby step that you are using to test the waters and gauge where you are at.

Sometimes in relationships, you can become so close that the spark starts to fade. The best way to rekindle the spark is to make him miss you and remember what it was that made him fall for you. Relationships also mutually end before they need to sometimes. You can make your ex-boyfriend miss you and remember what it was like when the relationship was great. To make him miss you regardless of the specifics, create some space, control the communication, and use subtle hints like scents, spontaneity, and intentionally "forgotten" possessions to make him think of you when you're not around. Soon enough, your guy should be longing for you and craving that passion again.


Stef Safran, is “Chicago’s Introductionista” and owner of Stef and the City. She’s a matchmaking and dating expert in Chicago. She’s been in the business for over 14 years, starting with recruiting contestants on “The Dating Game.” She founded Stef and the City in 2009 and have been featured in media outlets such as; the Huffington Post, Chicago Sun-Times, The Chicago Tribune, ABC7, NBC5, CBS2, WGN, Fox32 News, ABC7’s “Windy City Live”, WCIU’s “You and Me This Morning,” Time Out Chicago and more!

This is a great article; really clearly illustrated how women pull away for different reasons. I can think of times when I just wanted some space, and I couldn't understand why my partner couldn't sense this and give it to me. I didn't appreciate that she probably thought there was something wrong and that she could help me feel better. I can also remember times when my partner pulled away and I assumed she just wanted space herself, only to realize later that she was hurt and I should have addressed it.
My man is going through a withdrawal period now, and I won’t lie, it’s tough. But anyway the fact is that when he withdraws, as a woman you feel like he doesn’t care anymore, he’s pulling a slow fade, he’s toying with me. This may be true, especially if he’s generally uncaring, treata you like crap, i.e. if there was never that connection between the two of you. However if the man has never given you a reason to not trust him, then maybe you must acknowledge that yours fears are just fears – not based on any factual evidence.
This is a good article. I probably broke some rules. My girlfriend broke with me three weeks ago, she blocked me from social media except from emails. We'd been emailing us but last night she told me that she wants to recover peace and happyness. I accept to prove her needy. We'd been together for four years. Hopefully in the no contact time she would miss me, as I do miss her. Today I sent her a text message with a flower, wishing her a good day and reminding that she is more beautiful than the flower. I would try the 30 days challenge.
You have spent a month not contacting your ex. You spent that entire time working on yourself becoming more and more confident as the days past. Everything seemed to be going fine until you hit your first road block with a negative response. Make no mistake about it, negative responses are never good. However, they don’t EVER mean that you should give up right away. It just means you have to be smarter about how you approach things. Lets take a look at a negative response example (from my past) this is a true story.
This is great advice! However, I may be a little too late in receiving it. I like this guy and we had an amazing connection for a couple months. As soon as I decided he was someone I wanted to be with, we started doing everything together and I began outwardly letting him know I care. Now he seems barely interested at all. Is there recovery from this or is it time to just move on? Thank you
Hi Lauren, i had recently bought the book men are from mars and women are from Venus, it has brought me to try and discover more wonderful information on your page. My boyfriend of three years had recently just left me about a month an a half ago, we had just moved in together and were only living at our apartment for 2 months before he decided to lay the break up on me. He says he needs to find himself and his happiness, this term is still so confusing for me when things for the past three years were going so well. and just 2 weeks before he broke up with me he had talked about marrying me wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. as soon as he left the apartment and packed his things he doesn't want to see me or doesn't really talk to me and whenever we do talk it always ends up in the both of breaking down crying because its so sad. he has told me that he still loves me deeply and cares about me but doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. I have no idea really what to take from all this, i know that i may have smothered him to much in the relationship but at the time i did not know what i had been doing i do know that i some how contributed to this traumatic event. but he is making it seem like its totally over and he is just cutting things cold turkey. i never seen this break up coming and he said to me that it just happened and he didn't even realize he was going to do it. after three years of being together hes acting as if he doesn't even know me. i just need some advice of insight on what might be happening to him or me right now for this to take place? ...

Our third attempt—and, you guessed it, the ensuing breakup—was kind of a glitch in the space-time continuum. It was 2009, and at this point I’d realized Mary was not an easy person to please. I coasted through the relationship, and she called me out where other girls I’d been with brushed off my repeated bad behavior. Our second breakup had reinforced the notion that no relationship comes easy and you have to put in the work, but I still sucked.


Remember this step– and really this whole process– is about you. Yes, it is also highly likely that this step will make him miss you, but again, that’s not the focus. Your focus should be on getting to the best possible headspace and having the best possible mindset so you are your best possible self. That is the foundation for lasting love, not tricks and gimmicks.
Keep doing you unapologetically. Go about your business and focus on yourself just as much as you would do if he wasn’t a part of your life. All guys appreciate and respect a strong, independent woman—that’s exactly the kind of woman they want to be with. Just do you and treat him as a bonus in your life and he’ll soon try to be a bigger part of it.
I believe a week or maximum of two weeks in the first 6 months or so of getting to know each other is okay – for him to retreat into his man cave. If he’s going for longer than that after the first 6 months of the relationship or continuing to pull away altogether, you’re wasting your time on him. He’s not ready to settle down or simply just not into you, period. Walk away, girlfriend.
Familiarity leads to fights and all couples have fights — nasty ones with abuses and allegations. There is something to be learnt about your relationship after the fight. When a couple makes up after a fight, it shows that the partners want to resolve issues and continue. Clinical psychologist Saloni Sawnani says, “What makes these relationships strong for a lifetime is that no matter how major the argument there is always resolution and compromise. When the same happens in your relationship a sense of permanency sets in. Then you can be quite certain it is for keeps.”
Have your non-negotiables and boundaries, but dating with a strict itemized wish list—he must make this much, be this tall, drive this car, be this funny—will only hold you back from men who could be great for you in real life and limit you to men who only look good on paper, says Goldstein. “If you need a wish list it should be small and include feeling words instead of car makes and job titles,” she adds.
Regardless, if it's his child you're carrying, there should be a level of responsibility he needs to uphold. Also, it's not his first time going through pregnancy and he should be aware that what you're going through in terms of your emotions is perfectly normal. That being said, on your own end, the child should come first at this point and anything that would further cause you emotional grief and sadness should be put aside for the time being, at least until you feel a little more control over your emotions.
Here is the thing. You want to focus on you not only because this is healthy which is the main reason and you’re putting yourself first but by putting yourself first he will want you more. There is a deep desire for people to be with someone that puts themselves first. I would not only follow his lead. Make sure you are not too available in the process and really schedule time for you. Then take control back a little bit so you can eventually see where this is headed.
Ok so me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. I did 35 days of no contact and she tried to text me 4 times during that time. Eventually her best friend texted me and told me that my ex was really upset and missed me so the next time my ex tried to contact me I responded. She said sorry for ending our relationship and that she wanted things to go back to the way they were before. However, she did not explicitly say that she wanted us to get back together. I chose to doubt that, but I wanted to get back together so I forgave her and we have been in constant contact for 2 months texting every day for at least an hour and she seems closer in person than she did before. Recently I learned that her best friend told my ex that I was trying to get back together with her, but she has been acting the same if not closer than before. Should I take this as a sign that she does want to get back together or should I still try to find out more?
So I (F -30yrs) and my bf(27.5yrs) have been dating for 13 months. Unfortunately he brought up to break up recently:” I’m not moving in. I’m not looking for long term.” The thing happened back to September we basically had fights every week although we also celebrated our 1yr anniversary, my bday, and his family being in town all sort of fun stuff in the past one month. I brought up the topic of moving in together two weeks ago since I’m preparing to help my parents with their mortgage. And my bf is studying for an exam and his exam date falls on 10/27. We don’t have a lot of time to hang out that’s why I asked to move in to improve our relationship. Unfortunately all these things add up and stress him out: stupid fights, moving in, exam, etc. he came over to my apt and we talked through to just have it as a break. He replied:” make more friends during this break. Don’t text me at all. I will give you some feedbacks in between but I can’t guarantee we will get back together. I don’t care if you are seeing anyone else. Study is my top priority and I would see someone else if I have time.”

It's probably due to the fact that you were together with him for 4 years, which explains why he feels confused about things, but would constantly get back together with the new person. He still shares the love towards you that exists after going through many experiences together throughout the relationship, but has lost the spark for you, which is why he keeps jumping back to the more 'exciting' choice. You're probably going to have to distance yourself and make him realize it on his own and decide which is more important to him.


2 months ago I reconnected with the love of my life from 20 years ago. He calls me very night and we talk on the phone for hours. We are both single. Ive hinted to him that im interested in more than a friendship but he doesnt respond and changes the conversation. I havent hinted anymore. He hasnt even mentioned about seeing each other. We live in the same city. He is having a rough financial time right now. He even had to sell his car. Am I in the friend zone or should I wait to see if this develops into something more?

It is possible to work to reprogram your brain or change certain beliefs. If you are severely lacking confidence in yourself and your ability to prove to your ex and that you can make them happy; try doing one of my favorite self-help exercise; write down in the present tense something on a yellow sticky that you are hoping to accomplish as if you had already achieved your goal.
So I (F -30yrs) and my bf(27.5yrs) have been dating for 13 months. Unfortunately he brought up to break up recently:” I’m not moving in. I’m not looking for long term.” The thing happened back to September we basically had fights every week although we also celebrated our 1yr anniversary, my bday, and his family being in town all sort of fun stuff in the past one month. I brought up the topic of moving in together two weeks ago since I’m preparing to help my parents with their mortgage. And my bf is studying for an exam and his exam date falls on 10/27. We don’t have a lot of time to hang out that’s why I asked to move in to improve our relationship. Unfortunately all these things add up and stress him out: stupid fights, moving in, exam, etc. he came over to my apt and we talked through to just have it as a break. He replied:” make more friends during this break. Don’t text me at all. I will give you some feedbacks in between but I can’t guarantee we will get back together. I don’t care if you are seeing anyone else. Study is my top priority and I would see someone else if I have time.”
Laura Menze is the Chief Love Officer at Ready-Match offering a unique and authentic approach to dating and matchmaking in the Denver, Colorado area by vetting clients for their Relationship Readiness, offering a program in Relationship Readiness that ultimately teaches Self-Matching, as well as offering Tru-Match Matchmaking and Relationship Building services for new couples.
This is a great article; really clearly illustrated how women pull away for different reasons. I can think of times when I just wanted some space, and I couldn't understand why my partner couldn't sense this and give it to me. I didn't appreciate that she probably thought there was something wrong and that she could help me feel better. I can also remember times when my partner pulled away and I assumed she just wanted space herself, only to realize later that she was hurt and I should have addressed it.
In june( we had been in touch since March) I went to visit him, he had told me he doesn’t want a relationship, the feeling of being emotionally available on that level wasn’t a good feeling, which I understood. So I went to visit, and we hit it off, to me it was right back to where it was when we first started seeing each other. I have gone to see him every month since June, he told me he didn’t want a relationship, as we continued to see each other things seemed to change, he was getting close, I asked him ” but you don’t want a relationship” his answer seemed to change, he was affectionate, I met his daughter, I met his daughters mom, he introduced me to his co workers, his friends and included me in his life.
I see some interesting points here re men withdrawing from relationship at times. It’s what we do. On occasion we need “me” time for simple reason we just do. Too many women see this as rejection when, in reality, we are just doing or evaluating our situation and who we are with. All perfectly normal behaviour. We will surprise you, if you let us. We also desire our mates time together so we can bond. It’s what Men do. I believe in any relationship both parties should be with their friends only not as a couple. It makes the relationship stronger. For sure Men as a collective WILL look at other Women and comment on them. Again it’s what we do. If any partner says he doesn’t do this then he is a liar. Looking is fine. Touching isn’t. Please avoid planning “our” week without checking with me first otherwise resentment will present itself. I see some comments on “he is in the Doghouse” and I’ve brought my boys up to respect women blah blah blah. All very well and nice in right context but reading between lines I sense control and “I’m the Boss” in the relationship. Dangerous ground. He will suffer it in silence but over time he will resent you for it a very fine line to balance on. In short men expect Women to be soul mates but there are simple things too he will appreciate.
This cannot be considered acceptable due to one person’s higher testosterone levels. . Even with his extenuating circumstances, this departure went far beyond any excusable or understandable behavior, and it devastated me, causing me to question many things I thought were firm, honest beliefs. Nothing I had done or we had weathered warranted an abrupt-almost deliberately cruel departure. I get what so many people are saying here. We ‘get’ men need more space, but, many learn to use this as license to avoid painful conflicts or act horridly. It’s as much give & take as everything in love & some men take their fill, with no responsibility felt to give the most basic of human actions. Great article. Cut close.
First and foremost, cut all contact with him and even block him on social media or messaging apps if necessary. If you want to regain your composure, the first thing you need to do is stay as far away from this toxic relationship and the cause of the toxicity in the first place. Its inevitable that we become less than who we usually are in toxic situations because of the constant negativity, and in order to regain control of yourself and your usual self, these are areas you should avoid coming in contact with.
Let things progress naturally and look at the evidence: Does he try to see you whenever he's free? Does he seem genuinely interested in what you have to say? Does he have as much fun on dates as you do? These are likely signs he's in it for real, so enjoy being with him and relax about making things "official." "Men who are wary of commitment want to feel like they're the one choosing to be with you—they don't want to feel like they're being coaxed into a cage," Trespicio adds.
Hi, Me and Ex girlfriend dated for 2 and a half years. We started dating when i was 16 in high school. Now i am 18 and attending college as a freshman. We were best friends for 3 years prior to dating. About 4 months prior to the break up, i started to not keep my promises and not treat her right. 3 weeks prior to the break up i started catching old feelings for a girl i had liked before. i decided to break up with her but still have the intention of getting back together while i was flirting with the other girl. As soon as i figured out the old girl i caught feelings for liked me as well, i ended things completely with my long term girlfriend. this broke her and she started to talk to another guy i knew wasn't right for her and a guy she said she would avoid and never date. I realized after about 2 weeks after the break up i made a terrible mistake and just wanted to be with my long term girlfriend. As of yesterday, i texted and called her so many times. But as of today, i havent talked to her. I really want her back and in the stage of cutting off contact with her at the moment. She said she has completely moved on and doesn't see a future with us and doesn't want to speak and or see me as of yesterday. what do you guys think i should do? thanks guys and i know i was a jerk.
However, I have been suffering from undiagnosed mental illness for the past four years, due to a traumatic/abusive relationship I was in previously. I frequently got overemotional, scared of intimacy or potential abandonment or felt that I was undeserving of him, which meant that I often 'sabotaged' myself by pushing him away. My boyfriend really cared for me; my self-hatred and my fear meant that he constantly felt unable to support me and distant from me. A month before our breakup, we were both in a very stressful situation (exams, among other things) and a fight, over him saying something offensive on accident, led to me having a panic attack. Again, I tried to self-sabotage and said I wanted him to leave me which really hurt him. I was so apologetic and couldn't stop blaming myself for his pain, but he was so cold to me. For a month leading up to the break-up, he barely spoke to me and we only saw each other once. We fought a lot, as I constantly tried to apologise or make amends but also got upset/angry that he would ignore me and the problem...

I dont know what to write to him! NC is almost over and he has no social media so he has no idea what I’ve been doing. He also hasn’t contacted me which is okay. I’ve jotted down tons of ideas for my first email to him but I’m very scared. Hes always suspicious of people so I dont want to sound too needy or like I’m trying to use him. He might think if I’m messaging him a month later that I want to use him…hes stubborn as hell as well.
"Going away on a trip just the two of you is always the best idea when you feel like your relationship needs a 'spark.' Of course it is easier for the French couples who get easily seven weeks off per year! But jokes aside, nothing is as effective as three days without the children somewhere other than home (Lisbon? Copenhagen? New Orleans?). Suddenly, you might remember why you are together.
What a d*ck. You look gorgeous, BTW, I don’t think it’s you, I think it’s him. Having said that – big mistake you made was when he said he needed space – you should NOT have texted him! I know it’s easy to make that mistake, I’ve done it myself. When a guy says he needs space – give it to him in busloads. Don’t text, don’t call, etc. Just leave him alone. Give your phone to your best friend if you need to to keep yourself from calling him in a moment of weakness. Schedule activities every night if you need to – put in more time at work, spend time with friends, work out, get a massage… get a second job. ANYTHING! Just do NOT contact him.
Whatever you do, don’t shut your guy down or get defensive every time he has an opinion you don’t agree with. Being in a relationship means that you should both respect each other’s opinions and decisions. How can you ever expect your man to talk to you about his commitment issues when you cry, get upset or go defensive and angry when you or him bring the subject up.

My ex ended this 1st April (nearly a month ago). I begged. After day 1 he wanted to talk. After a week he never wanted to see me again. I did NC for 4 days until my sister told him to message me (I got sexually assaulted and needed emotional support). He messaged me. He seemed off. We spoke every day. Well I went one day (a couple of times) not replying. I found out I was pregnant. I told him. He was good about it. He told me to get rid of it. I got scared. Basically I messaged him saying I can’t. We argued about me needing him and he said he doesn’t know what to do. Yesterday I said I’m bored of feeling hated. I need my friend back. He said he doesn’t hate me. I went on about feeling hated and being scared of the abortion. I asked if he could see me. He YELLED at me. I ignored him (which is what he wanted me to do all month he even said I went crazy) but 10 minutes later he messaged me back calmer and with this solution: He said I could see him (in Germany) if I get the abortion and it’ll be the last time we ever see each other and we can have a proper goodbye. I went on saying I want to see him before. It ended up him saying he did hate me. I killed the guy I dated (because I said I missed what he used to be like). I messaged him yesterday and he said I can go and see him after the abortion. I asked if he still had access to my Facebook account he said no. I said I hope he is well. Also he told someone that he couldn’t stand me earlier today. Should I initiate NC properly now? Is there any hope? Why would he start off saying he didn’t hate me and now does? Why would he double message after I ignored him when he yelled? I’m so confused please help me.
Right now is your time.  While your instincts are to obsess over your ex boyfriend and run through your mind over and over again as to what you did wrong, you have to stop thinking this way.  So what I want you to do is start writing down your vision of the future and what you want.  Don’t think so much about what happened in the past, but focus on what you are going to do to start healing.
Most pre-teen boys, though not yet sprouting facial hair, somehow have the uncanny ability to nail down every last detail of their dream vehicle.  Could it go from zero to sixty in three seconds flat?  Would it have 4, 6, or 8 cylinders?  How about those coveted rims, 4 wheel lift, doors, panels, and hardware?  The list is as endless as the options are available.
Have you ever dated a man where everything is going perfectly and you are bonding on every level, spending all your time together, and even making plans for the future, and then poof, he’s gone?!  Well believe it or not, this is a more common scenario that you might think.  Men feel pressure just like women do, and when it comes to relationships many men take flight, before they fight.  Take a look at these 8 reasons why he might be pulling away from you — to perhaps see if you can stop it.

Hi Adirubbo, this is actually a really common frustration for women in the dating scene (a guy giving you his number and acting more passive rather than pursuing) and I'm working on an ebook/video training to help with this exact issue. But to give you a quick answer now, you did great. You let him know what kind of dates you liked going on and then he became more confident in how to please you, that's when he started taking charge. The more confident a man feels that he can make you happy, the more take charge he'll become. The trick for a woman is always: "How can I be pro-actively receptive in this dynamic?" Keep looking for those opportunities and you'll be fine. And if you want to learn more about this, make sure you're signed up for email updates. Hope this helped!...
You might want to consider personal coaching with me if you require a specific game plan on winning him back, otherwise, go through no contact as read and apply positive changes to your life while getting yourself to an emotional state where you're okay with whatever happens. The only way you win him back is by making those changes in your life and figuring out what went wrong in the relationship that made him feel that he couldn't be himself and the reason he might have lost the spark for you which further reinforced his decision. Also, no more pleading and begging for him back.
There are many strategies to turn bad habits into good habits. It’s not enough to just say you will quit something for good. It requires hard work and persistence when making a life change. Ask yourself how to break a bad habit that is damaging to your lifestyle. Then research the necessary steps to overcome the bad habit. Stick to the plan to be self-disciplined in your behaviors.
I managed to push him away he has now told me he needs time and space which is killing me inside… We also worked so well together but as soon as we were apart I would think he is cheating on me etc… I now I can see how stupid I was for bringing all the hurt and distrust into this relationship… I just hope I haven’t lost him forever… How are you coping?
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