If you are trying to patch up your relationship you will stand a better chance of success if you find out what went wrong. The real reason is not the “final straw that broke the camel’s back”. No it is usually something much deeper than that and something that goes back a long way. If you want to patch up your relationship you need to do some self analysis. It’s not always comfortable to have to take a serious look at your own faults and shortcomings. It can be quite a humbling experience but it is a worthwhile exercise and you should discover a few things about yourself and your ex. This will help you to avoid the same mistake when you get a chance to patch up your relationship. You will find out if:

* You were to “blame” and you are either prepared to do something about it or you are not. Sometimes your perceived faults are “non-negotiable”. In other words they are a part of you and you are not prepared to compromise. You should not be expected to change your principles once you have considered all view points. An example of this may be religion. If you are devoutly religious and your ex will not accept this then there is little chance of your relationship ever working.
* Your Ex is or was at “fault”. Again you are either prepared to overlook the issue or not. If it is a “non-negotiable” from your ex’s view point and you cannot accept it then it is time to move on.

In determining the real reasons for the break up consider the five most common causes of couples breaking up. To patch up your relationship you will need to know if one of these applied to you. The following five issues (in no particular order) are the most commone causes of relationship break ups:

1. Financial. This is a huge issue which raises its head at different times in a relationship and has been the cause of many a divorce. Interesting to note it also becomes the number one issue in a divorce or split. Who gets what? Who paid for this and who paid for that? How much will she receive as capital and how much as alimony? How much must he pay towards support? Where both of you are earning money you need to have a clear and mutual understanding and respect for each others financial contribution to the joint resources. What you agree to is entirely up to you but it is important that you agree from the very beginning on a mutually acceptable arrangement. It is no good complaining afterwards that one earned or spent more than the other.
2. Trust. This probably falls more under communication than anything else. Do not mistrust your partner for no reason at all. Because you may have had a bad experience before, or know of someone else who has, doesn’t mean you should automatically mistrust those nearest to you. If you have concerns voice them and thrash them out until you both understand each other’s feelings. If you are trustworthy then you should have no reason to mistrust your partner. Some really nasty arguments can be started through misplaced assumptions. Equally a lot of arguments can be avoided by expressing your concerns.
3. Sex. This is a really huge issue for many couples. It is ironic that there are so many jokes about sex. Many a true word spoken in jest. Be warned that for both men and women sex is important. Some people like sex on a daily basis while others are happy with less frequent exercise. And for the men reading this – sex to a lady is not just putting it in and simply enjoying yourself! She has feelings too. Romance and foreplay are a big part of a woman’s sexual satisfaction. If she is not getting this stimulation who can blame her for not wanting to lie back and simply be humped more than once a month? Talk to each other and explain what you like, dislike or what you are in the mood for at any particular time. Be aware if you are a “once a month” type and your partner is a twice a day type you are heading for trouble.
4. Family and Background. So often relationships are built around flimsy structures. Cultural and family backgrounds are far more important than many people believe. The saying “blood is thicker than water” is so very true. A relationship has to be something unique to transcend cultural or family traditions.
5. Communication. Already mentioned several times in this article. Mother Nature gave us two ears and one mouth. It is reasonable to surmise that we would be wise to use them in the same ratio. Listen to what your partner has to say. Think back to the things your ex was unhappy about. Did you listen? Did you hear what was said? When communicating don’t say one thing if you mean another. Men are notorious for taking things literally whereas women say NO when they mean YES and they say NO when they mean NO. This confuses men! Surely they should know that NO means YES or NO depending on the circumstances. Well ladies they don’t. Likewise women don’t always understand that NO from a man actually means NO and only NO exactly the same as YES means YES and only YES. Communication means getting into each others heads and understanding what is meant.

If you want to patch up your relationship it is important that you find out and understand what went wrong. Only once you have determined this and accepted the part that you played in it will you be able to patch up your relationship. On the other hand you may find that that it is time to move on, that nothing you can, or are prepared to, do will help you patch up your relationship. Either way you can move forward.

Arnold Kolodziej uses his previous work experience to help people in all walks of life to solve personal problems. If you have recently split up with your partner and would like to find the solution to your problem then visit Second Chance where you will find a solution for the best way to patch up your relationship. It’s worth fighting for isn’t it?

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Broken up, recently separated or divorced and wondering “How can I get my Ex Back?”? If you are in this position then you are asking the correct question.

By asking “how can I get my ex back?” you are displaying a desire to do something about your situation. You are taking responsibility for your own actions.

Most people would spend their time feeling sorry for themselves and ask questions like: “why doesn’t my ex return my calls?” or “Why is my ex ignoring me?”

There is a huge but subtle difference.

The approach of “how can I get my ex back?” is proactive where as the “why is my ex ignoring me?” approach is reactive. This latter approach is putting the onus on your ex to respond. It is far better to ask what you can do to get your ex to respond.

You can do any number of things to improve your chances of getting your ex back. You can also do a lot of harm by doing the wrong things.

What you shouldn’t be doing is outwardly feeling sorry for yourself. Sure you’re hurting. In fact there is a pain where your heart used to be, an ache that just won’t seem to go away. It’s hard to ignore and even harder not to show your feelings. But do your best to project a positive attitude and put on a happy face.

Cry as much as you want when you’re on your own (yes guys can cry too!), but don’t let your ex know about it.

When you are feeling half human and can bear to face the issue sit down and draw up some sort of plan along the following lines:

1. Promise yourself that life goes on. Act as if very little has changed. Keep going to work and keep in touch with friends and family. In fact this is a great time to catch up with old fiends who you might have been neglecting for a while. These things happen when you’re involved with someone. If a friend introduces you to someone new consider going out with them. But don’t do it just to make your ex jealous, do it to make a new friend. They will know you are on the rebound and should treat you accordingly.
2. Plan to get your ex back. Planning means strategy and not a knee jerk reaction. Whatever you do please do not stalk your ex. That means don’t phone them, don’t e-mail them, and don’t text them unless you have something other than your past relationship to talk about. Even then use that as an opportunity to do something different and get their attention. A great strategy is to write them a handwritten letter explaining what it is. Nobody ever writes these days so this approach should spark interest. Think of which envelope you open first when you collect the mail. Is it the one with a handwritten address or the one with a typed address? The request could be anything as small as wanting to personally return some item to them, or to thank them for something. Don’t mention what it is in the letter. If you get a phone call asking what it is just say something you feel should be handed to them or said personally. Create some intrigue. Arrange to meet for twenty minutes over a coffee to deliver your parcel or thank you. Make sure that you have something to deliver or say and keep the meeting down to 20 minutes. If possible cut it shorter than the time allocated. You are trying to create some confusion in your ex’s mind. This is not the way you should be behaving – you were expected to lose control, make endless phone calls and profess your undying love. Well don’t.
3. Work out what you did wrong. This is a tough one because even if your ex had an affair you were partly to blame. That is a bit extreme but I think you get the point. There are three sides to every story – his, hers and something in between. You need to put yourself in your ex’s shoes and understand what he or she has experienced and what they are going through right now. If you can understand why they feel and act the way they do you are half way to success. Knowing this will help you avoid creating the same feelings next time round.
4. Stick to your plan. No matter how hard it is keep to your plan. Do not change a single step of what you have worked out. If you get a phone call always be “on your way out” or “about to hop into bed after a long day and an early start tomorrow”. End with “give me a call next week, if you like. I should have a bit more time then.” I think you get the message. What you’re saying is yes you are happy to talk but right now is not a good time. There is that intrigue again. Taking the call and sitting chatting about old times for forty minutes or an hour is guaranteed to make you fail in your effort to get back together again.

The statistics for getting back together again, and staying together, are not in your favour. Somewhere between 80% and 98% (depending on which figures you believe) of people trying to get back together again don’t succeed. That is because most people ask why the ex is ignoring them instead of how they can get their ex back.

So if you have asked “how can I get my ex back?” continue with that train of thought. Use paper to record your ideas and then sort all those ideas into a plan and act on it. Remember the onus is on you to get your ex back.

“How can I get my ex back?” Good question. The answer lies with the knowledge you already have of your past relationship and this will give you every opportunity to succeed the second time around.

Arnold Kolodziej uses his previous work experience to help people in all walks of life to solve personal problems. If you are trying to get back with your ex and would like some ideas to find the solution to your problem then visit Second Chance and get some advice from the experts in this field. It’s worth fighting for isn’t it?

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If you are trying to buy her affection with gifts, you should stop now! Besides the fact that you can throw tons of cash away buying her gifts, you are sending a bad impression to your ex-wife. If she thinks that you will continue to buy her the things that she wants without any commitment, and she will get the impression she will always have you around regardless of what she does or though she does it worth.

You can only go so far buying her gifts before you run out of things to buy her or she gets a bored of it and doesn’t appreciate it any longer. Save yourself that time, money, and effort to focus your attention on other more effective ways to get back your wife.

If you’re trying to be Mr. Nice-Guy then stop right now! I’m not suggesting for you to treat her badly, but don’t go out of your way to please her. You need to show her that you are a heck of a good man to have around, if and only if you are in a monogamous relationship. Do not go and fix her kitchen sink, an offer to hang blinds when you know she is going how with another dude that night.

If you hold off doing things for her she will realize how important you are, and will start to make attempts to keep you around. I consider this one of a man’s strongest leverage to getting his wife or ex-wife to do what he wants. Just like sexual intimacy is leverage women use to get men to do what they want.

If you are constantly looking for her approval or permission to do things, then stop now! Listen, she has either left you or she is telling you she does not want you back yet. That is her choice, but now she will have to live with the consequences of you being able to do the things that you want to do.

Whether it is going out the bars with your buddies, or maybe finding another nice girl to chum a round loaf, then she will have to live with it. This is a good one because, she will feel as if she has lost her control in the relationship and will have to decide if she wants to get it back. Which she will a specially want to do, if she thinks other women are involved.

These are just a few of the things that a man who wants to get his wife back must not do if he is to have any hope of getting her back. Remember you must have a good balance of focus on what you should be doing and what you should not be doing, to get your wife back.

Pay close attention – and please listen carefully.

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